Sleeping to dream. Sometimes I sleep to dream since there seems to be no other way to lay aside inhibitions and truly understand what I am feeling. But in dreams my brain processes, cryptically but well, life.
Last night I had a painting dream. It seemed like a Renaissance scene, rich in color and activity. At the focal point were 3 women in wedding dresses sitting on thrones looking out over a room of other women. On the highest throne was seated my best friend from grade school. To the left was her baby who had just learned to roll over, and did so then grinned up at me. They both shared the same striking blue eyes. Then I looked up from the rug and rolling babe and saw a co-worker announcing how she could buy a house. She had bundled her full ride scholarship to the mortgage using a HIPPA form (not everything makes sense in dreams). So her house payments came directly out of her supplemented income. And she was pursuing her 3rd grad degree and said this discretely as she repositioned her pearls.
Why such a dream?
Minus the opulence, this is life. No one quite prepares you well for friendship. To be a true friend, you understand that you must be loyal. When things are hard and friends need support I know my role and am able to comfort, listen, distract, easily. What people don't tell you when you talk about having friends and investing in them is how to rejoice with them well. I guess it's assumed that that should be the easy part. Rejoicing when they get engaged. When they announce they are pregnant. When they buy a house.
It's easy to run to them in sincerety and hug them. And then jump litterally for joy. It's easy when you're in the air of the first jump. But then you land. And then comes the pang. Is it gravity? And you've landed in different places with the thought "I'm not you." But you're not done jumping because this is a big deal. One jump isn't enough. We're landing in different spots again and again out of rhythm.
Jealousy gets in the way? I hope I would not shy away from that word, jealously. But given the choice I wouldn't take their joy from them. But it's much easier to take joy when you share the new stage together when you jump in unison.